Irish shocked by Rubberbandits appearance on RTE Liveline.

The Moth Effect? RTE's Joe Duffy

Hundreds of thousands of Irish people were shocked on Wednesday, by the appearance of  Limerick hip hop duo, Rubberbandits, on the worlds most infamous phone-in show, RTE Liveline.


The show caused controversy, as it was the first time in 27 months that a topic other than  Ireland 's recession was discussed on RTE. Much of  Dublin 's transport system ground to a halt, as drivers slowed to listen. The M1 and M50 motorways were entirely blocked, between 1.53pm and 2.47pm, as many open-mouthed taxi drivers stopped their cars completely. 


"I know, I know. Yes. Controversial. But we're that kind of show. Cutting edge." Mr. Duffy said, when interviewed, about the courageous decision not to mention the recession until the 11th minute of the show.  Mr. Duffy denied that the encounter with the duo, who were backed on air by former Fianna Fail minister Willie O' Dea, had left him bruised.


However, sources close to the show indicate that Duffy was privately 'raging' that the show's guidelines, regarding guest intelligence, were breached. Mr. Duffy's €400,000 per annum contract states that no guest or caller can have an IQ greater than 83. This being 5 points lower than the highest score Duffy achieved during multiple attempts at a Facebook IQ test in July, 2008.


'If you pay a man peanuts he'll only talk to monkeys’ Mr. Duffy is reported to have quipped, when queried on this particular clause in his contract. When asked why he is paid so much to basically listen to the rants of taxi drivers and curtain twitchers, Mr. Duffy said it is because he is the best in RTE at 'sounding working class'. ‘Anything less than 395,000 [euro per annum] and I sound middle class, it's an impediment really’ added Duffy.


In a recent Wall Street Journal poll, the RTE Liveline show of 18th September 2008 scored higher than the collapse of Lehman Brothers Bank, as having the greater negative impact on world economies. ‘It’s the butterfly effect that will be studied for years’ noted one respondent. ‘Mr. Duffy stoking fears that Irish Banks were not safe led directly to the Irish Governments blanket guarantee and the EU financial chaos today.’ In a reference to Mr. Duffy’s physical appearance, Dublin wags have since described the impact of the Liveline show as ‘The Moth Effect’.


Already two United States congressional committees have called for Mr. Duffy to appear to defend his show. Former head of the United States Federal Reserve, Mr. Alan Greenspan has gone further and called for Mr. Duffy to be extradited by the Irish authorities. Effigies of Mr. Duffy are routinely burned at Tea Party rallies in the  United States, by members angered by the 1.5 trillion dollars ($1,500,000,000,000) Mr. Duffy’s show has added to the US National Debt. ‘If we paid that back a dollar a second it would take us 47,532 years!!!!!’ Tea Party favorite, Sarah Palin recently posted on the social networking site, Twitter.


When pressed on rumors that he was in fact ‘shorting  Ireland’ in a bid to inflate his substantial investment portfolio Mr. Duffy replied “Oh no. Not at all, sure I’m just Ordinary Joe. I’d know nothing about that, my wages go into the biscuit tin every Thursday." When Mr. Duffy was reminded that he was not actually live on air he replied “In that case, f..k off you peasant or I’ll pay someone to break both your f..king legs.”

Haitians riot on rumour government will ignore Ireland

Nepalese UN Peace Keepers keep their distance as riots flare 

Riots continued for a fourth night in the Haitian capital, Port-Au-Prince in an unprecedented outpouring of support for the Irish people. Sources indicate the riots were sparked by a rumour that presidential candidates would, if elected, rescind Haiti’s pledge of financial aid to Ireland. Neither of the candidates for the January run-off, Mirlande Manigat nor Jude Célestin, were available for comment. Third place candidate, Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly, blamed Célestin supporters for spreading the rumour. Martelly is disputing the November 28th first round vote, in which he finished 1 percentage point behind Célestin.

As police, backed by UN security forces, struggled to contain the violence, the incumbent president, René Préval sought to reassure the populace. In a speech from the ruins of the presidential palace, Mr Préval struggled to control the emotion in his voice. “The Irish have nothing now. Nothing. We can identify with their suffering and will not stand by in their time of need. This law is passed and cannot be rescinded”. He added that not only would Haiti direct all future development aid to Ireland but emergency shipments of food and clothing were being prepared to help the Irish cope with the extreme cold.

Feeling is strong among the majority of Haitians that they should not abandon Ireland. To head teacher, Marc Bazin, news from Ireland is especially difficult. It was an Irish missionary who, 60 years ago, built the school he attended and now runs. “If it wasn’t for [the Irish missionaries] we would not have turned from our own culture and traditions into the arms of the Almighty. It is He who has blessed us and kept us safe during the earthquake, cholera, hurricanes and unrelenting violence.” Mr Bazin then pointed at the only house still standing in the village. “After marrying one of the girls he impregnated, he settled in that house. We still call it Monseigneur Pat’s house.” The fact that it is the only house standing out of 1,000 is being taken as a sign that the Irish are favoured by God.

Mr Bazin, who has been living in a tent since January, has managed to maintain a certain level of objectivity. “I sometimes ask ‘why me?’, but then I think how worse it could be. I could have bought a 4 bed [room house] in Carlow for 350,000.  Then sucked every bit [of equity] out of it to spend  on regular trips to Old Trafford and a new 5-series [BMW].” Raising his voice to be heard above the flapping tent fabric and crying children, Bazin showed significant empathy. “Stuck owing close to half a million on a house that’s worth 200,000? 60 miles from a job with no overtime? With a rear wheel drive [car] I can’t sell or even drive on the ice? Non Mesi.”

Haiti was rocked by a 7.0 magnitude earthquake on 12^th of January 2010. The estimated loss of life was 230,000 with a recent spike in deaths due to an outbreak of cholera. Many Haitians, comparing their tragedy to Irelands, are especially worried that there will be a return of the emigration that blighted that country in the 1950s and 1980s. “In Voodoo [there] is the possibility of reincarnation, but if an Irish child overstays their 3-months in the USA they will never return” sobbed mother Nadege Atabei. Ms Atabei, nursing her surviving child through a severe cholera infection, lost her husband and 4 other children in the quake. When she heard of the recent water shortages in Dublin, Ms Atabei became even more distraught. She immediately removed the straw from her child’s mouth and insisted this reporter take the child’s water and Red Cross hydration sachets to Fingal County on return to Ireland.